It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
