my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Houston, we have a blender
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
