yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
