that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
