Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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