Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
