My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
