i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
