i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize