Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
