It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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