Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
