Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
