ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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