I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
