i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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