Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
