turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
