I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
