who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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