when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
