I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
