happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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