She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
