well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize