He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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