Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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