Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
my poor anus
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
