I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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