I wish I could teleport
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
