I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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