just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize