my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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