Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
