sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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