remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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