i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
