My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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