I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
