I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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