I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
