Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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