i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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