my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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