You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
