I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Too much gin, very little bucket
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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