Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
