I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
