That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
