So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
