I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you win again, gameday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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