so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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