New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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