the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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