I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
