Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
